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Thursday, 23 August 2012

NBC Interviews Non-Gay Olympian Lamar Ferguson

Komissar Blogunov
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Lamar Ferguson, an openly non-gay athlete of Marietta, GA, who has won his second gold in the men’s 3/4 acre lawnmower event in London, was also forced to fight an uphill battle to overcome the intolerance and resentment from his fans and the sports media after going public about his life with a domestic partner of the opposite sex.

Veteran reporter Blogunov, who was in London making sure that all events receive equal coverage, interviewed Ferguson on his win, his future plans, and intimate details of his personal life.

Ferguson won his first gold four years ago in Beijing, having defeated the heavily favored Mexican champion, Pedro Rodriguez, whose heterosexual leanings had been overlooked due to his predominantly non-European ancestry.

Blogunov: Tell me, Lamar, how does it feel to win gold again four years later?

Ferguson: Well, of course it feels real good, ‘specially to see all that trainin’ and hard work pay off.

Blogunov: You had earlier talked about retiring after Beijing, and so many of your fans were excited to see you back in the race and winning gold for the second time.

Ferguson: Well, y’know, I thunk it over and I thought I had one more Olympic competition left in me, so I thought I’d go for it.

Blogunov: That seems true of some of the other winners in these games.

Ferguson: Oh, yeah. Misty and Kerri done real good gettin’ gold for the third time, Phelps got hisself even more medals, and that Bolt feller from Jamaicer was still runnin’ at warp speed, so there was somethin’ in the air favorin’ us vetrans.

Blogunov: Now that you’re in the international spotlight once again, perhaps now’s the time to discuss your sexual orientation. For the record, you are openly straight. Is that correct?

Ferguson: Sure is.

Blogunov: When did you feel heterosexual leanings for the first time?

Ferguson: Oh, I think it was in middle school ‘bout the time I almost graderated from 7th grade. Girls was startin’ to be less yucky and more interestin’ to me.

Blogunov: Of course, we’ve all heard that you have a domestic partner of the opposite sex. Tell us more about that.

Ferguson: What happened was I got to likin’ girls so much, I ended up marryin’ me one. I think we like that we’re different. Good thang we was in a state that allowed fer hetrosexual marriages.

Blogunov: We’ve also heard that you and your partner became involved with the highly controversial Chick-Fil-A appreciation day.

Ferguson: Well, yeah, almost, but we missed that one ‘cause they was a qualifyin’ heat that day an’ we was in London, so we couldn’t go. But then we heard they was gonna be a kiss in a little later on, so me and the missus looked at each other and thought that was a great way to celebrate our anniversary. Anyway, we done the next best thang and went to a pub and ordered us some chicken. Kissed, too.

Blogunov: Well, Lamar, I commend you on your openness in going public about your heterosexuality. You must be very brave.

Ferguson: Aw, it’s no big deal; just who I am. I mean, me and the missus - we like it that way.

Blogunov: And what of your future plans for the Olympics? Are you on for 2016?

Ferguson: Naw, I’m definitely done. Four games is enough for me. I may see about coachin’ the upcoming team for Rio.

Blogunov: Ironically, you seemed to win more easily this time. How did that happen?

Ferguson: Fer one, I didn’t git no injuries in the medal round like the last two times, and fer another, Pedro done retired, so the only competition I had come from the Latvian champ.

Blogunov: How do you rate the Latvian team in the lawn care events?

Ferguson: Seein’ they didn’t even qualify in Beijing and they come up out o’ nowhere to git silver, I think they’re the team to watch.

Blogunov: Your old coach, whom we discussed in our previous interview, seemed a little bitter about your win.

Ferguson: You remember I had to let ‘im go before the Beijing games, and I don’t think he ever got over that. I reckon that’s why he called a press conference and said I didn’t win that medal, somebody else done it for me.

Blogunov: Tell us about your friend and rival, Pedro Rodriguez who silvered in the Beijing games.

Ferguson: Well, now, he actually did retire after them games, but then Mexico hired him to coach their men’s synchronized landscaping team, and you seen how good they done.

Blogunov: They absolutely dominated. Do the two of you still keep in touch?

Ferguson: Well, we both been real busy, but I congratulated him after his team got gold. He speaks some English and I can ahblow espanle some myself, so we been keepin’ up with each other some since Beijing.

Blogunov: Lamar, it’s always a pleasure talking with you. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors.

Ferguson: Same to ya.