Beyond a Joke
By Peter Mills.
The Government will be presenting the Language Control Bill in the next session of Parliament as an integral plank in its platform of enforced social control for a fairer Britain.
This Bill is part of the Government’s major new strategy, the Fairer Use Controlled Knowledge In National Ethical Liberal Legislation (which, for convenience, will generally be referred to by the acronym formed from its initials).
The Bill is designed to remove the final vestiges of unacceptable traditional language from English.
The Bill, when passed as an Act of Parliament, will make the following linguistic changes compulsory.
(1) The New Zealand All Blacks rugby team will now be called the New Zealand Integrated rugby team.
(2) The drink made from mixing pale ale and stout, Black and Tan, will now be called Tan and Less Tanned.
(3) On the roads, black ice will now be called dark frosting.
(4) The delicacy black pudding will now be called disadvantaged pudding.
(5) The great plague of the Middle Ages will now be called the Pink Death.
(6) The heartland of the Industrial Revolution the Black Country will now be called the Sooty Country.
(7) The famous American hip-hop group the Black Eyed Peas will now be called the Bruised Eyed Peas.
(8) The children’s rhyme Baa baa black sheep will now be rewritten as Baa baa ethnic sheep.
(9) The popular Channel 4 comedy Black Books will now have its title changed to Non-Segregated Books.
(10) The Black Isle in Scotland will now be called the Enriched Isle.
(11) The Royal Highland Regiment will no longer be called the Black Watch but will, instead, be renamed the Police Watch.
(12) The Black Dyke Brass Band will change its name to the Multicultural Non-Committed Feminist Brass Band.
(13) Black Holes will be renamed HM Treasury Holes.
(14) London Black Cabs will be renamed London Burning Wrecks.
(15) The rare bird the Black-Tailed Godwit will be renamed the Inner-City-Tailed Non-Christian-Wit.
(16) The Little Black Book will be renamed the Little Equality Book.
(17) The Little Black Dress will be renamed the New School Uniform for over-twelves.
(18) The Guardian’s Middle East Editor Mr. Ian Black will be renamed Mr. Ian No-Border-Control.